is different for both of us. Every year before we used to take time on ourselves, get together, and be in the same city at least for the holidays. Now we are on two different continents, and none of us is actually 'home'. We used to meet, and be like the best two of 'Friends', and hug longely, speek freely about all of our lifes, as if we could relive all those once more, just through looking each other in the eyes, holding hands and making words. You used to talk, and I used to listen, and then I talked and you listened. And then I'll get all depressed and nostalgic, whilst you were always so happy with your present (present) life. And even though I thought to be happier than you were, or at least more fullfilled, you would end up conforting me always. I used to meet memories again, and tend to go back 3, 4, 5 years, forget about everything and do stupid things, then come to you to talk about them. You would always be there, even though you would have allready told that that's not the thing that would make me happy. And we would meet our friends and just all of us would pretend to be fullfilled together. I am absolutely conviced that it was just the two of us who was actually happy. Happy to be together.
But this year I took off and did not come back. Not even for the holidays. And you, as well chose to follow your way, which lead you to the man you love.
This Christmas is all about loneliness for me, but the hardest of all is not being able to see you.
So here I am, as in every year taking care of my present lists, making sure that I prepare for everyone I love something as good as I can, and concentrating all my energy on this one last week, as I ever did, always with this double feeling of happiness, as I spend my last time before Christmas with my friends, then again feeling as well the happiness of booking a ticket, packing, taking off and go home. This year is just the first one.
Then again, I am home. And you are home as well. I am taking the step I needed to take, out of the vicious circle of how my life would be and you took a step closer on following your heart. So, this Christmas is about celebrating. And about the birth. I really feel the implication of birth this year. It smells other than I supposed it would. Birth does not smell like cinnamon. But it does bring a new human into life.
So, I celebrate birth this year for Christmas. On as many levels as I can. And I celebrate that I was right on thinking that there is no Christmas without you, because there is indeed no Christmas without you! But who said you are not here with me? And I not there with you? I am always. You can never loose the people you love. I was there on your happiest and saddest moments. I was there as you got engaged, and I was there as you were left (on one level) alone. I'll be there at your wedding, and at the birth of all your children. You are here with me as I'm just dreaming of an engagement ring, as you were there in each and every one of my dreams and break downs. And I'm sure as hell you'll be there at my engagement, and my wedding, and the birth of all my children. I just realized we will be always there. Until one of us would bury the other one.
