kulcsfogalom

Nincs ajtó, amit Isten adna eléd és ne bírnád kinyitni.
Csak a megfelelő kulcsot kell hozzá megkeresni. Lehet, hogy van egy egész kulccsomó a kezedben, és nem tudod honnan kezdjed. Talán ez a zár olyan, hogy elromlik, ha véletlenül egy olyan kulcsot próbálsz használni, ami nem illik hozzá. Lehet, hogy próbálkozhatsz többel is, de belefáradsz és már csak az van hátra, hogy feladd. Akkor váratlanul rájössz, hogy még egyetlen eggyel nem próbálkoztál még. Nagy reménnyel magad elé emeled, és hálát adsz Istennek, hogy itt van a kulcs, lendülettel be is próbálod tuszkolni a zárba, de félúton elakad és... nem megy bejjebb, nem fordul, nem nyitja a zárat... nem lesz semmi. Most már az utolsó kulcs lehetősége is elúszott. Teljesen reménytelen a helyzet, már-már azon gondolkodsz, hogy feltöröd az ajtót és úgy rontasz be, ahogy csak egy tolvaj tenné. Leülsz az ajtó mellé, sírsz, bánkódsz, hisztizel és csapkodsz  össze-vissza abban a reményben, hogy majd csak feltűnik az Istennek a hiszti és kinyitja neked az ajtót. De nem reagál. Akkor csendben maradsz, és elfogadod a sorsod. Tudod, hogy nem fogod tudni kinyitni az ajtót. Leülsz, imádkozó pózban, nagy kegyesen, és bár tudod, hogy az égvilágon semmi sem fog történni, reméled, hogy majd állhatatatosságoddal rágyőzöd, hogy nyissa már ki azt a fránya ajtót. Továbbra sincs semmi változás. Az ajtó ugyanúgy tornyosodik föléd, várod, hogy végre kinyithasd, de már mintha nem is, minek már. Ennyi harc és ennyi várakozás és ennyi tusa miért?
Elmennél...
Elmész?

sunday afternoon

it was a nice weekend... kind of peacfull actually. And I kind of ... did nothing? I didn't had sunday school today, neither workshop with teenagers yesterday. I did visited the church community and we watched Evan Almighty and had a nice talk afterwards... I slept over there, with my room-mate. No difference at all :) But it was nice... To share her happiness, and have a nice good-night prayer toghether. I gave thanks to God for her, and her happiness right now, I hope it lasts finally :) And I also gave thanks for my own Happiness. And asked for it to last, and let me be his happiness.
it is strange though... I have nothing to do on some of my weekends... She says perhaps now is the time to be alone and rest... I feel like I should find a place to go and give my love to. I was thinking of an orphanage... Perhabs they are the ones with most need of love. Don't know, we'll see...
This funny feeling of peace and inner order is so strange. Maybe it should have been known to me already... But it is new. Maybe I am just now starting to live actually?

Raindrops

...are those things which I can't put into consonants and vowels. But just listen... Isn't it that voice coming from outside and patiently arranging  my thoughts, my last two weeks time life in a perfect row of happy memories?
all you need is love. And all you really need is Gods love. all you can do is accept that. I said yes. After quite some time of calling, and struggeling. his love gave me people to take care of. And prayers were listened. I love the way of his love.
Gratefully for this empty room, and this loneliness, I praise his name with silent and peaceful heartbeats. each and every one of my breathing is happy to belong to God.
His gifts: lots of people to take care of, with words, with being there, with deeds, with thoughts and mostly with prayer. The happiness of the fact of others being loved by Him. Of listening to my prayer, when it was said for them. thank you God for loving my friends :)
His unexpectedly powerful peace, which makes his thoughts take root in my inner most self. His power to love and hope again and again, no matter how many times I had bruises because of this.
He gave me work to do, to work with children of all ages and teach them His love.
And he gives my life and love and peace again and again with every moment which passes by.
His love expires at one second from the second he gave it. But He never lets me out of this continuous miracle, of his always renewed love within my life.
I am still alive because the 'creatio continua', His never ending love and his constant trust in me.

what if...

I was too stubborn to be loved?
I was too keen on keeping myself to accept myself?
I was too afraid to ask sincerely to actually receive something?
I just tried?
...I'll go and try...

Dear heavenly Father,
. Amen

waiting for tomorrow....

you should never wait for tomorrow... nor next week... nor next year :)
it's midnight. this part of the day is when I say: 'look, it's tomorrow already :)
love to stay on the borderline and just BE there where one can see their steps through time... places - places full of love, and joy, and God, and happiness, and reconciliation with self and others and God and life, places full of life, and the the feeling of being alive and places full of blessings, blessings which do not depend on time, or circumstances or emotions or relationships, there is just Him blessing you in that very minute and very square meter of your life.
 I can also see the lives through which my steps have carried me. I see my loves, our hugs, our kisses and the shining eyes, and the full jars of tears, which do not compare with the happiness and fulfillment they brought into my life.
...and my really true best friends. Still walking through their lives it's a bit like living my life looking at myself with their eyes, and loving myself with their love and only just a little bit like: stop being me, and bei her for a while - which is not much a difference, for she is the other part of me somehow -
I see that I sometimes stopped and tried to change direction, or only just taking a shortcut through the woods, to rest a little bit, but it was impossible, because no matter where I was, it was still me, and no matter how  it was, or what it meaned it was the exact place for me to be :)
I just love to live. And right now I'm happy to be alive
.......yours thankfully : Julie