mirror

I see a girl - half women already -
there is dark surround her, but still a thin ray of light illuminates her face and body.
she has nothing on, but her long dark hair cover her perfectly - as if that is also meant to protect her.
she tells nothing, she shows no emotions, she looks intrested, still there are no feeling in her eyes.
she does have something, though. In her hand. An appointment book.
her entire being inspires trust and interest towards others, and looking after how to help, yet she looks pretty busy, and kind of inapproachable. Oh, and by the way, if you are a guy, forget it! you don't have a chance!
barricade. border. shield. crash barrier is everything in her life. Everything is there just to protect her. Of course she looks confident and smart besides that walls. And the best of all is that nobody else can see how really afraid is she inside. Now that's news.

She did not know the baby was her own. That baby should really grow up in her arms, with her eyes looking after him. She is holding him in her hands and she know, she just knows he must be her son, but will she have the power to take responsability for him?
will she have the courage to let down the appointment book? Will she risk being hurt just to feel again?
that baby is my baby.
I just don't know what to do with it...

sunday afternoon

it was a nice weekend... kind of peacfull actually. And I kind of ... did nothing? I didn't had sunday school today, neither workshop with teenagers yesterday. I did visited the church community and we watched Evan Almighty and had a nice talk afterwards... I slept over there, with my room-mate. No difference at all :) But it was nice... To share her happiness, and have a nice good-night prayer toghether. I gave thanks to God for her, and her happiness right now, I hope it lasts finally :) And I also gave thanks for my own Happiness. And asked for it to last, and let me be his happiness.
it is strange though... I have nothing to do on some of my weekends... She says perhaps now is the time to be alone and rest... I feel like I should find a place to go and give my love to. I was thinking of an orphanage... Perhabs they are the ones with most need of love. Don't know, we'll see...
This funny feeling of peace and inner order is so strange. Maybe it should have been known to me already... But it is new. Maybe I am just now starting to live actually?

waiting for tomorrow....

you should never wait for tomorrow... nor next week... nor next year :)
it's midnight. this part of the day is when I say: 'look, it's tomorrow already :)
love to stay on the borderline and just BE there where one can see their steps through time... places - places full of love, and joy, and God, and happiness, and reconciliation with self and others and God and life, places full of life, and the the feeling of being alive and places full of blessings, blessings which do not depend on time, or circumstances or emotions or relationships, there is just Him blessing you in that very minute and very square meter of your life.
 I can also see the lives through which my steps have carried me. I see my loves, our hugs, our kisses and the shining eyes, and the full jars of tears, which do not compare with the happiness and fulfillment they brought into my life.
...and my really true best friends. Still walking through their lives it's a bit like living my life looking at myself with their eyes, and loving myself with their love and only just a little bit like: stop being me, and bei her for a while - which is not much a difference, for she is the other part of me somehow -
I see that I sometimes stopped and tried to change direction, or only just taking a shortcut through the woods, to rest a little bit, but it was impossible, because no matter where I was, it was still me, and no matter how  it was, or what it meaned it was the exact place for me to be :)
I just love to live. And right now I'm happy to be alive
.......yours thankfully : Julie