far, far

Far, far there was this little girl…

Yeah, well, I guess it depends on what we call „far”. Everything is far away from everything, or again everything is close to everything else, is just a matter of point of view. Lucky us, that there is Somebody who was always close to everyone of us. And this will not chance, no matter the country, neither how we feel. Whatever, the fact is, that I’ve set on to this way. I’ve said my goodbyes, my ’God bless you’-s, my ’I love you’-s; everybody got theirr hugs and kisses. Well, not quite everybody… there were some whom I didn’t hugged and kissed goodbye, as I left. I shed due tears, the heart broke in its due time and place at some last sights. Bus engine was turned on, the driver made sure it’s ok to leave, and we left. I watched some last time the streets I was used to, and then I waved goodbye to Brasov, and waved goodbye to Budapest.

…she was praying for something to happen to her…

I’ll quote better: „The first book I wrote, finished with there was no answer. Now I know, Lord, why didn't you respond. You are the answer. Before your face any questions fade. What other response would be appropriate? All other words are only one against the other, set in a mere battlefield. For a long time I hated you, for a long time were afraid of You. Perhaps know-„ (C. S. Lewis – Till we have faces translation by me).
I was looking for Him. But I didn’t allow myself to find the answer. I’ve already been anxious and happy as well. But I haven’t been yet His. Till He found my trust. He achieved that in the most beautiful way He could, and with the most loveable man He could. But then He took him away, and with him, most likely everything. And He called me. I realized I needed to stand in front of Him by myself, I need to hear His voice by myself and I need to fight Him by myself. Just like Jacob did once upon a time.

…everyday she writes words and more words just to speak out the thoughts that keep floating inside
…and she’s drawn when the dreams come cuz’ they take her, cover her, they are all over…
…the reality looks far now, but don’t go….

I could tell a story about how it’s like to be alone, yet I cannot. I don’t think there are words expressing how I really feel. It was not the road, it mostly the arrival, which made me realize what loneliness is about. Arrival:
-to foreign, unknown place
-in a room, which is not Juli-like, where there isn’t a pillow which is good for something, it was so big, that it could as well been a bed, and if you sleep on it, you will remember it all day long afterwards, for you neck, and back hurts
-you should start to decorate, but everything you have makes you remember another room, not one from Brasov, but one from Budapest. Only that here ’colourfull’ is not as colourfull as there, and ’cheerfull’ is not as cheerfull as there was.
-you would rather sleep, but you then would have nightmares, and they seem very real and very scary, and when you wake up, you are even more scared about not knowing which country are you in. And who could you call at 3.30 am to ask: where am I?
-and I don!t have a phone. And even worse, if I would have, I wouldn’t have who to call.

There is something good among all this, though: I am finally able to cry.

…how can you stay outside? There’s a beautiful mess inside.

And I set up. To get even smarter int he worlds one of the most elit universities, according to my teachers. Another two countries far, according to my family. To a good place, where I will spend awesome time, where I will have lots of fun, where I will feel myself in my environment, because I’ll have opportunity to learn another language, where I will smile a lot, where I will meet my true love (yeah, right, I hope I’ll be wiser than that), where I could travel a lot, so that would also make me happy, according to my friends. Then again, according to those who are jelous (I know there is nobody :) ) they think I’m illegaly lucky. As a matter of fact, I do feel illegally lucky. I live in a city that if got a chance to visit it once, you feel like this is how it would be like in the fairytales. I can see a real castle from my window. If I step out from my house, I cross Heidelbergs most beautiful bridge and I find myself in the most lovely old town you can imagine. If I decidet o take it on the other side of the house, I find myself in another dreamplace. Garden on a hill, trees, lake, birds, I even saw a squarel today in the morning. This is really a place like in fairytales, I should feel like a princess.
Though, the place I set up to is inside. I knew that ont hat very day on the bench in front of the students home, I remembered it a few times this summer, but when I read this just a few km-s away from Heidelberg, I was sure: "I saw clearly, why don't the gods they speak to us openly, and why do not accept our answer. As long as the innermost, deep lurking in the word derives not from us, why would they listen to a lot of tosh, what we think is true? How can we even want to meet face to face, how could we provoke even a single punch, but till we have faces? "(also C. S Lewis, also translation by Julie)

…far, far there was this little girl, she was praying for something good to happen to her. From time to time there were colours and shapes, dazelng her eyes, tickeling her hands, they invent her a new world, with oil skies and aquarel rivers, but don’t you run away already, please don’t go…

if God creates flowers, we should at least sometimes take a chance to pray so we should not remain seeds.

And once again:

… how can you stay outside? There’s a beautiful mess inside? Take a deep breath and dive, there’s a beautiful mess, beautiful mess inside!...

Far, far, there’s this little girl, she was praying for something big to happen to her. Every night she hears beautiful strange music, it’s everywhere, there’s no place to hide. And if it fades, she begs oh, Lord, don’t take it from me, don’t take it, yourselves

… I guess I have to give it birth…

I had a strange dream one of the nights here: I was back again in my mothers womb.

i guess i'll have to give it birth
to give it birth
i guess, i guess, i guess i have to give it birth
i guess i have to, have to give it birth
there's a beautiful mess inside and it's everywhere

so shake it yourself now deep inside
deeper than you ever dared
deeper than you ever dared
there's a beautiful mess inside
beautiful mess inside