far, far

Far, far there was this little girl…

Yeah, well, I guess it depends on what we call „far”. Everything is far away from everything, or again everything is close to everything else, is just a matter of point of view. Lucky us, that there is Somebody who was always close to everyone of us. And this will not chance, no matter the country, neither how we feel. Whatever, the fact is, that I’ve set on to this way. I’ve said my goodbyes, my ’God bless you’-s, my ’I love you’-s; everybody got theirr hugs and kisses. Well, not quite everybody… there were some whom I didn’t hugged and kissed goodbye, as I left. I shed due tears, the heart broke in its due time and place at some last sights. Bus engine was turned on, the driver made sure it’s ok to leave, and we left. I watched some last time the streets I was used to, and then I waved goodbye to Brasov, and waved goodbye to Budapest.

…she was praying for something to happen to her…

I’ll quote better: „The first book I wrote, finished with there was no answer. Now I know, Lord, why didn't you respond. You are the answer. Before your face any questions fade. What other response would be appropriate? All other words are only one against the other, set in a mere battlefield. For a long time I hated you, for a long time were afraid of You. Perhaps know-„ (C. S. Lewis – Till we have faces translation by me).
I was looking for Him. But I didn’t allow myself to find the answer. I’ve already been anxious and happy as well. But I haven’t been yet His. Till He found my trust. He achieved that in the most beautiful way He could, and with the most loveable man He could. But then He took him away, and with him, most likely everything. And He called me. I realized I needed to stand in front of Him by myself, I need to hear His voice by myself and I need to fight Him by myself. Just like Jacob did once upon a time.

…everyday she writes words and more words just to speak out the thoughts that keep floating inside
…and she’s drawn when the dreams come cuz’ they take her, cover her, they are all over…
…the reality looks far now, but don’t go….

I could tell a story about how it’s like to be alone, yet I cannot. I don’t think there are words expressing how I really feel. It was not the road, it mostly the arrival, which made me realize what loneliness is about. Arrival:
-to foreign, unknown place
-in a room, which is not Juli-like, where there isn’t a pillow which is good for something, it was so big, that it could as well been a bed, and if you sleep on it, you will remember it all day long afterwards, for you neck, and back hurts
-you should start to decorate, but everything you have makes you remember another room, not one from Brasov, but one from Budapest. Only that here ’colourfull’ is not as colourfull as there, and ’cheerfull’ is not as cheerfull as there was.
-you would rather sleep, but you then would have nightmares, and they seem very real and very scary, and when you wake up, you are even more scared about not knowing which country are you in. And who could you call at 3.30 am to ask: where am I?
-and I don!t have a phone. And even worse, if I would have, I wouldn’t have who to call.

There is something good among all this, though: I am finally able to cry.

…how can you stay outside? There’s a beautiful mess inside.

And I set up. To get even smarter int he worlds one of the most elit universities, according to my teachers. Another two countries far, according to my family. To a good place, where I will spend awesome time, where I will have lots of fun, where I will feel myself in my environment, because I’ll have opportunity to learn another language, where I will smile a lot, where I will meet my true love (yeah, right, I hope I’ll be wiser than that), where I could travel a lot, so that would also make me happy, according to my friends. Then again, according to those who are jelous (I know there is nobody :) ) they think I’m illegaly lucky. As a matter of fact, I do feel illegally lucky. I live in a city that if got a chance to visit it once, you feel like this is how it would be like in the fairytales. I can see a real castle from my window. If I step out from my house, I cross Heidelbergs most beautiful bridge and I find myself in the most lovely old town you can imagine. If I decidet o take it on the other side of the house, I find myself in another dreamplace. Garden on a hill, trees, lake, birds, I even saw a squarel today in the morning. This is really a place like in fairytales, I should feel like a princess.
Though, the place I set up to is inside. I knew that ont hat very day on the bench in front of the students home, I remembered it a few times this summer, but when I read this just a few km-s away from Heidelberg, I was sure: "I saw clearly, why don't the gods they speak to us openly, and why do not accept our answer. As long as the innermost, deep lurking in the word derives not from us, why would they listen to a lot of tosh, what we think is true? How can we even want to meet face to face, how could we provoke even a single punch, but till we have faces? "(also C. S Lewis, also translation by Julie)

…far, far there was this little girl, she was praying for something good to happen to her. From time to time there were colours and shapes, dazelng her eyes, tickeling her hands, they invent her a new world, with oil skies and aquarel rivers, but don’t you run away already, please don’t go…

if God creates flowers, we should at least sometimes take a chance to pray so we should not remain seeds.

And once again:

… how can you stay outside? There’s a beautiful mess inside? Take a deep breath and dive, there’s a beautiful mess, beautiful mess inside!...

Far, far, there’s this little girl, she was praying for something big to happen to her. Every night she hears beautiful strange music, it’s everywhere, there’s no place to hide. And if it fades, she begs oh, Lord, don’t take it from me, don’t take it, yourselves

… I guess I have to give it birth…

I had a strange dream one of the nights here: I was back again in my mothers womb.

i guess i'll have to give it birth
to give it birth
i guess, i guess, i guess i have to give it birth
i guess i have to, have to give it birth
there's a beautiful mess inside and it's everywhere

so shake it yourself now deep inside
deeper than you ever dared
deeper than you ever dared
there's a beautiful mess inside
beautiful mess inside

IF

if I was over you, I wouldn't be up at 2.17 am writing this,
I wouldn't be crying while doing that,
I wouldn't be asking myself why did I let you in my life, in the first place?
I wouldn't try to find each and every possible "what if..." scenario
I wouldn't remember your name by every piece of falling leaf, dammit!
and I would definitely not stay here and write nice words, while having not nice words to say to you!
I would grab my phone and call you, in the middle of the night, yes and say not nice things to you! About you! About the way I feel about you! About the way I feel about the way you feel about me and about the way I feel about the way you feel about me and still doing the things you do and acting the way you act and just... Yes, but if I could do that it would probably mean I'm over you. But I'm not, just yet.
But IF I was, I would!

travel thrgough...

despre toate sentimentele, durerile, trairile, bataile de inima si zambetele fortate imi doresc sa nu mai scriu, nici sa vorbesc.

...imi doresc sa pot plange despre ele.

frica

something I can't get rid of. Nu ma lasa sa am o clipa de fericire. Ma tine legata. Nu ma lasa sa iubesc, de fapt nu ma lasa sa ma las iubita. Sunt catuse de care nu pot dormi bine si daca ma trezesc imi doresc sa nu ma fi trezit deloc azi.
Da, frica nu m-a lasat sa iubesc ani la rand; frica de a fi odata cu adevarat iubita. Dar de data asta sunt gata sa incetinesc pasii cu care alerg departe de iubire, sa ma opresc din alergat, sa ma intorc si sa incep sa privesc Frica in ochi. Sa-mi spuna ce are cu mine, de ce ma terorizeaza. Si ii voi zice sa faca bine si sa ma lase in pace. Vreau sa iubesc. Stiu sa iubesc.
De data asta nu va trimfa!
Amin

o zi ca oricare alta...

m-am trezit... *greu ca intotdeauna
azi era ziua care incepe cu o slujba de dimineata *in sfarsit
am facut un dus + tot ritualul de dimineata *pe fuga ca intotdeauna
ma imbracam, tocmai legam o funda bluzei mele cand privind in oglinda am recunoscut. M-am recunoscut. Cumva purtam aceeasi bluza si aceiasi pantaloni ca exact acum exact in aceea zi cand ma pregateam sa incep ziua cu o slujba.
MI-am adus aminte... Atunci ma simteam vinovata ca merg sa cant la o slujba un pic mahmura. Parea mahmureala... Cum nu cunosteam starea, banuiam ca era de la acele cateva beri din seara dinainte. Nu stiam ca mahmureala se manifesta si la nivelul burtii, si doare in halul asta, chiar nici nu ma doare capul, doar burta...ciudat. Ma rog, nu stiu, trebuia sa avem tot felul de experiente in viata.
Imi aduc aminte exact ce trebuia sa cant atunci la slujba. Ce frumos a fost!
da, imi aduc aminte ca nu prea am fost in stare sa ma dezbrac singura de hainele alea
peste cateva zile stateam culcata pe un pat de spital asteptand o operatie despre care nu stiam ca va insemna in viata mea, si infruntam (nu singura) tot de ce imi era mai frica. Stiam ca poate nu voi putea fi femeie in sensul adevarat al cuvantului. Stiam ca poate raman cu un gol imens in suflet si in trup si stiam despre mine ca nu voi putea cauta niciodata un barbat stiind ca eu nu pot fi femeie deplina.
Da, ma priveam in oglinda. Sunt frumoasa. Si sanatoasa. Imi stau bine hainele astea. Ca un zambet de la Dumnezeu a venit aceeasi melodie pe care am cantat-o acum un an la slujba :)
Mai traiesc. Si in curand ma voi intalni ca barbatul de care ma indragostesc pe zi ce trece tot mai mult.
Exista vieti care sunt presus de multumiri.
Cum ar fi a mea...

feelings all in a bottle

incerc sa raman.
adica doar sa raman unde sunt, cum sunt, fara sa joc impotriva mea, fara sa incerc sa cred ca pot intelege, fara sa incerc sa gasesc semnificatii...fara sa incerc sa intru in capul lui :)
calm. o chestie nu prea practicata de mine... ar trebui sa invat
ma simt ciudat.
ma simt trista.
ma simt indagostita...cred.
de asta ma simt ciudat si trista.
n-ar trebui... stiu. but it's just the way I'm made :)
"And I am a weapon of massive consumption
And its not my fault it’s how I’m programmed to function
I’ll look at the sun and I’ll look in the mirror
I’m on the right track yeah we're on to a winner

I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear?
‘Cause I’m being taken over by the fear"

...love me please!

cateodata obosita...

de atat umblat, cautat, visat, incercat, iubit...ba nu, de asta ultima nu.si totusi restu e un pic prea mult deja...

but...
it's a sin to be tired :)