- csak most az egyszer magyarul -
áldott, mert annak éltem meg nagyon. De az az igazság, hogy Isten áldó keze valahogy hihetetlen módon elér a Sionról mindenhova :) Hát, ha a Hermon harmatja is csillog Ninivéig, akkor miért ne? Szóval kicsit rám mosolygott az Isten és véletlenül pont dél-sziláziában voltam akkor.
még mindig nem tudom megfogalmazni miért szeretek ennyire utazni, de amint ott vagy, az uton, tankolás közben, kicsatolás, visszacsatolás, városok, autópálya, fák és épületek minnek el melletted és lehet, szabad hallgatni, csak gondolkodni, nem beszélni. Semmit sem beszélni... És nem, nem csak ezért szeretek utazni. de hogy miért pontosan az még az 'arrematos' -> kimondhatatlan kategória, és ha elég igazi, akkor az is marad.
Nem is tudtam, hogy németül is tudok beszélni, ez is kiderült a végére. És tudom, hogy kell mondani azt, hogy 'szeretlek' lengyelül. De ez is tabu szó. Már csak azért is, mert ha tudnám, mit jelent, akkor mondhatnám igazán, így nem sokat jelent. Sőt veszít a jelentéséből. Azt hiszem a szavak kisebbednek (létezik ilyen szó?), ha kimondjuk őket. De nem bírnánk túlélni nélkülük. Vagy egy szó csak akkor nem ront, ha jónak, jókor, jó módon mondják? Akkor én ezt még nem értem ezzel a kecses szóval kapcsolatosan, amit már 12 élő nyelven tudok? ez már nem cuki, ez ciki :D
A legjobb dolgot tanultam meg ezen a hétvégén: le szabad, sőt le kell esni. Síelés ezért egy remek sport. Ha az ember bizonytalan vagy elveszítette az egyensúlyát, vagy már nem bírja irányítani magát, vagy egyszerűen fáradt, akkor leeshet. Hát ez evangélium!!! Csak tudni kell, hogy mindig oldalra kell dőlni, és úgy nem is fáj. Kicsit nehéz újra lábra állni, de nem lehetetlen, és olyan jó érzés ott lenn lenni. Szabad. De persze azt is tudni kell, hogy viszont amikor nagyon nagyon élvezed a sebesen bevett kanyarokat, akkor nem érdemes félni, mert az meginogtat és akkor már megint le kell esni. Lényeg csak annyi, hogy az ember bármikor leeshet, ha akar, de nem szükségszerűen :)
Hát nem ugyanaz a lüktetése a fő dolgoknak? Mintha két embernek együtt dobogna a szíve. A lengyel Istentiszteleten együtt mondtuk az Apostoli Hitvallást. Mi magyarul. Az 'ámen' egyszerre volt. A záró imán több ország emberkéi mondtuk egyszerre a Miatyánkot. Volt benne lengyel, német, magyar. Én románul mondtam most az egyszer. Jó volt.
Soha nem volt ilyen kevés lelkiismeret furdalásom ilyen sok kaja miatt :)
Igen, a többi része ismét arrematos... kegyelem kell hozzá, hogy az ember átélje és kegyelem, hogy továbbadja :) de nem biztos, hogy szavakban kell.
áldás!
miercuri, 16 martie 2011
luni, 7 martie 2011
memoirs of my travel...
J’ecoute de musique francaise en voyant de Brasov a Budapest. J’en l’aime.
Another three days have passed, and another tousands of thoghts have crossed my mind. I just feel gratefull to have this time for myself, to recolect and put the things to their places. On this voyage of my life I always find myself int he lifes and feelings of others. And that’s the best part of it.
12 hours – enough time for lots of things. To listen and to try to respond, or just to listen , and just pray inside, God, how many sad people on this earth! I wish I could do something!
We arrived, three pairs of crying eyes and huging arms are waiting for me. Lots of smiles, fatigue and some kind of bulversed state of mind… I’m home. I enter the house, I take a look of every room and then I stop at my room. It is just beautiful. My bed, my books, my decoration are all just the way I left them a few months ago. I’m really home.
I love my best friend! She’s the most beautiful gift of God! And not just for me, for him too. It was a piece of heaven that coffee break with you, the cigars we smoke together and the shared pizza. Your friendship means the world for me. Multumesc ca existi, draga mea! Abia astept data viitoare. love.
Norah Jones, driving back home, words and more words, just to split out the thought that keep floating inside. Prayers, I know He will listen to. Oui, je suis si heureuse alors pourqoui le nuit je pleure… I wish I could mention the person I was thinking about mostly. But somehow it’s hard to speak about him, even in front of God.
and the music keeps playing:
„Tu est le jamais de mon toujuours, tu est mon amour, tu est mon amour … :)"
Another three days have passed, and another tousands of thoghts have crossed my mind. I just feel gratefull to have this time for myself, to recolect and put the things to their places. On this voyage of my life I always find myself int he lifes and feelings of others. And that’s the best part of it.
12 hours – enough time for lots of things. To listen and to try to respond, or just to listen , and just pray inside, God, how many sad people on this earth! I wish I could do something!
We arrived, three pairs of crying eyes and huging arms are waiting for me. Lots of smiles, fatigue and some kind of bulversed state of mind… I’m home. I enter the house, I take a look of every room and then I stop at my room. It is just beautiful. My bed, my books, my decoration are all just the way I left them a few months ago. I’m really home.
I love my best friend! She’s the most beautiful gift of God! And not just for me, for him too. It was a piece of heaven that coffee break with you, the cigars we smoke together and the shared pizza. Your friendship means the world for me. Multumesc ca existi, draga mea! Abia astept data viitoare. love.
Norah Jones, driving back home, words and more words, just to split out the thought that keep floating inside. Prayers, I know He will listen to. Oui, je suis si heureuse alors pourqoui le nuit je pleure… I wish I could mention the person I was thinking about mostly. But somehow it’s hard to speak about him, even in front of God.
and the music keeps playing:
„Tu est le jamais de mon toujuours, tu est mon amour, tu est mon amour … :)"
marți, 1 martie 2011
spovedanie
forgive me Father, for I have sinned...
am inchis ochii, am adormit, am inceput sa ignor, am uitat.
nu am vorbit despre PACAT, nici despre Iisus.
am uitat esentialul. omul e pacatos din fire, si doar Iisus il poate scoate din starea asta. Am uitat sa zic asta. Am uitat esentialul.
am adormit, si nu m-am mai putut trezi. Am visat frumoase si urate, dar am uitat de realitate. Doar ca in somn nu exista RELATIE. Nu exista iubire. Pentru ca iubirea e relatie. Am uitat de relatia mea cu Dumnezeu. Am uitat ca ma iubeste. Am uitat sa-L iubesc.
am inceput sa cred in cosmar. Am crezut ca este realitate. Si nu am mai facut diferenta intre cosmarul Subconstientului si lumina Soarelui. Nu mi-am mai dat seama cand e zi si cand e noapte, si mai ales care e diferenta. Incetul cu incetul razele soarelui au inceput sa ma urmareasca cu cutite in cosmar. Acum mi-e frica sa deschid ochii. Ce se intampla daca razele chiar sunt cutite? Am uitat sa fac diferenta intre frica de cutit si dorul de soare, si am inceput sa-mi acopar ochii de soare, apoi sa port voal, apoi fular, apoi sapca si geaca si cizme si manusi in miez de vara. Oare ce se intampla daca imi dau jos toate astea? Va incepe cumva Soarele sa arunce cu cutite in mine? Oare de astea exista razele?
Am uitat sa fac diferenta, am uitat sa tin legatura.
Fear can stop you loving, love can stop your fears...
Imi pare rau ca am presupus un lucru atat de rau despre Raza, si am ales singura sa mor de frig. Dar nu mai vreau frig, vreau cald, vreau sa ma scald iar in razele Iubirii Tale. As vrea sa ma dezbrac, sa fiu cu totul goala in fata Ta, fara sa-mi fie frica sau rusine. Incerc incetul cu incetul sa imi dau jos hainele. Vezi asta? Privesti asta cu drag? Ma ajuti? Vrei te rog, sa ma primesti iar in caldura razelor Tale?
multumesc
slava Tie Doamne!
Amin
am inchis ochii, am adormit, am inceput sa ignor, am uitat.
nu am vorbit despre PACAT, nici despre Iisus.
am uitat esentialul. omul e pacatos din fire, si doar Iisus il poate scoate din starea asta. Am uitat sa zic asta. Am uitat esentialul.
am adormit, si nu m-am mai putut trezi. Am visat frumoase si urate, dar am uitat de realitate. Doar ca in somn nu exista RELATIE. Nu exista iubire. Pentru ca iubirea e relatie. Am uitat de relatia mea cu Dumnezeu. Am uitat ca ma iubeste. Am uitat sa-L iubesc.
am inceput sa cred in cosmar. Am crezut ca este realitate. Si nu am mai facut diferenta intre cosmarul Subconstientului si lumina Soarelui. Nu mi-am mai dat seama cand e zi si cand e noapte, si mai ales care e diferenta. Incetul cu incetul razele soarelui au inceput sa ma urmareasca cu cutite in cosmar. Acum mi-e frica sa deschid ochii. Ce se intampla daca razele chiar sunt cutite? Am uitat sa fac diferenta intre frica de cutit si dorul de soare, si am inceput sa-mi acopar ochii de soare, apoi sa port voal, apoi fular, apoi sapca si geaca si cizme si manusi in miez de vara. Oare ce se intampla daca imi dau jos toate astea? Va incepe cumva Soarele sa arunce cu cutite in mine? Oare de astea exista razele?
Am uitat sa fac diferenta, am uitat sa tin legatura.
Fear can stop you loving, love can stop your fears...
Imi pare rau ca am presupus un lucru atat de rau despre Raza, si am ales singura sa mor de frig. Dar nu mai vreau frig, vreau cald, vreau sa ma scald iar in razele Iubirii Tale. As vrea sa ma dezbrac, sa fiu cu totul goala in fata Ta, fara sa-mi fie frica sau rusine. Incerc incetul cu incetul sa imi dau jos hainele. Vezi asta? Privesti asta cu drag? Ma ajuti? Vrei te rog, sa ma primesti iar in caldura razelor Tale?
multumesc
slava Tie Doamne!
Amin
luni, 21 februarie 2011
mirror
I see a girl - half women already -
there is dark surround her, but still a thin ray of light illuminates her face and body.
she has nothing on, but her long dark hair cover her perfectly - as if that is also meant to protect her.
she tells nothing, she shows no emotions, she looks intrested, still there are no feeling in her eyes.
she does have something, though. In her hand. An appointment book.
her entire being inspires trust and interest towards others, and looking after how to help, yet she looks pretty busy, and kind of inapproachable. Oh, and by the way, if you are a guy, forget it! you don't have a chance!
barricade. border. shield. crash barrier is everything in her life. Everything is there just to protect her. Of course she looks confident and smart besides that walls. And the best of all is that nobody else can see how really afraid is she inside. Now that's news.
She did not know the baby was her own. That baby should really grow up in her arms, with her eyes looking after him. She is holding him in her hands and she know, she just knows he must be her son, but will she have the power to take responsability for him?
will she have the courage to let down the appointment book? Will she risk being hurt just to feel again?
that baby is my baby.
I just don't know what to do with it...
there is dark surround her, but still a thin ray of light illuminates her face and body.
she has nothing on, but her long dark hair cover her perfectly - as if that is also meant to protect her.
she tells nothing, she shows no emotions, she looks intrested, still there are no feeling in her eyes.
she does have something, though. In her hand. An appointment book.
her entire being inspires trust and interest towards others, and looking after how to help, yet she looks pretty busy, and kind of inapproachable. Oh, and by the way, if you are a guy, forget it! you don't have a chance!
barricade. border. shield. crash barrier is everything in her life. Everything is there just to protect her. Of course she looks confident and smart besides that walls. And the best of all is that nobody else can see how really afraid is she inside. Now that's news.
She did not know the baby was her own. That baby should really grow up in her arms, with her eyes looking after him. She is holding him in her hands and she know, she just knows he must be her son, but will she have the power to take responsability for him?
will she have the courage to let down the appointment book? Will she risk being hurt just to feel again?
that baby is my baby.
I just don't know what to do with it...
joi, 3 februarie 2011
life
"...it takes some fear before I trust, and it takes some tears to make it rust and it takes the dust to have it polished..."
life really does go full circle
you decide to draw a circle and then as soon as the pen reaches the paper and starts to leave the blue line which goes on and on, you just realize that it's not just one circle, it seems more like several circles all in one bigger circle.
like a labirint which starts on one point in the center and finishes in the eternity somewhere.
like a vicious circle. You keep drawing again and again the same circle, and you just see the same things over and over again. Every point has the so well known consequence. Every situation is so familiar, and then you just wonder, how could you do the same mistake again, over and over.
but then something happens... the circle still makes it's way into eternity, and you still see the same things, but they are just a bit different then the things a bit before.
the circles go round and round, but they grow into being life.
life is a vicious circle, but you just keep learning from it...again and again
have a nice day :)
life really does go full circle
you decide to draw a circle and then as soon as the pen reaches the paper and starts to leave the blue line which goes on and on, you just realize that it's not just one circle, it seems more like several circles all in one bigger circle.
like a labirint which starts on one point in the center and finishes in the eternity somewhere.
like a vicious circle. You keep drawing again and again the same circle, and you just see the same things over and over again. Every point has the so well known consequence. Every situation is so familiar, and then you just wonder, how could you do the same mistake again, over and over.
but then something happens... the circle still makes it's way into eternity, and you still see the same things, but they are just a bit different then the things a bit before.
the circles go round and round, but they grow into being life.
life is a vicious circle, but you just keep learning from it...again and again
have a nice day :)
luni, 15 noiembrie 2010
kulcsfogalom
Nincs ajtó, amit Isten adna eléd és ne bírnád kinyitni.
Csak a megfelelő kulcsot kell hozzá megkeresni. Lehet, hogy van egy egész kulccsomó a kezedben, és nem tudod honnan kezdjed. Talán ez a zár olyan, hogy elromlik, ha véletlenül egy olyan kulcsot próbálsz használni, ami nem illik hozzá. Lehet, hogy próbálkozhatsz többel is, de belefáradsz és már csak az van hátra, hogy feladd. Akkor váratlanul rájössz, hogy még egyetlen eggyel nem próbálkoztál még. Nagy reménnyel magad elé emeled, és hálát adsz Istennek, hogy itt van a kulcs, lendülettel be is próbálod tuszkolni a zárba, de félúton elakad és... nem megy bejjebb, nem fordul, nem nyitja a zárat... nem lesz semmi. Most már az utolsó kulcs lehetősége is elúszott. Teljesen reménytelen a helyzet, már-már azon gondolkodsz, hogy feltöröd az ajtót és úgy rontasz be, ahogy csak egy tolvaj tenné. Leülsz az ajtó mellé, sírsz, bánkódsz, hisztizel és csapkodsz össze-vissza abban a reményben, hogy majd csak feltűnik az Istennek a hiszti és kinyitja neked az ajtót. De nem reagál. Akkor csendben maradsz, és elfogadod a sorsod. Tudod, hogy nem fogod tudni kinyitni az ajtót. Leülsz, imádkozó pózban, nagy kegyesen, és bár tudod, hogy az égvilágon semmi sem fog történni, reméled, hogy majd állhatatatosságoddal rágyőzöd, hogy nyissa már ki azt a fránya ajtót. Továbbra sincs semmi változás. Az ajtó ugyanúgy tornyosodik föléd, várod, hogy végre kinyithasd, de már mintha nem is, minek már. Ennyi harc és ennyi várakozás és ennyi tusa miért?
Elmennél...
Elmész?
Csak a megfelelő kulcsot kell hozzá megkeresni. Lehet, hogy van egy egész kulccsomó a kezedben, és nem tudod honnan kezdjed. Talán ez a zár olyan, hogy elromlik, ha véletlenül egy olyan kulcsot próbálsz használni, ami nem illik hozzá. Lehet, hogy próbálkozhatsz többel is, de belefáradsz és már csak az van hátra, hogy feladd. Akkor váratlanul rájössz, hogy még egyetlen eggyel nem próbálkoztál még. Nagy reménnyel magad elé emeled, és hálát adsz Istennek, hogy itt van a kulcs, lendülettel be is próbálod tuszkolni a zárba, de félúton elakad és... nem megy bejjebb, nem fordul, nem nyitja a zárat... nem lesz semmi. Most már az utolsó kulcs lehetősége is elúszott. Teljesen reménytelen a helyzet, már-már azon gondolkodsz, hogy feltöröd az ajtót és úgy rontasz be, ahogy csak egy tolvaj tenné. Leülsz az ajtó mellé, sírsz, bánkódsz, hisztizel és csapkodsz össze-vissza abban a reményben, hogy majd csak feltűnik az Istennek a hiszti és kinyitja neked az ajtót. De nem reagál. Akkor csendben maradsz, és elfogadod a sorsod. Tudod, hogy nem fogod tudni kinyitni az ajtót. Leülsz, imádkozó pózban, nagy kegyesen, és bár tudod, hogy az égvilágon semmi sem fog történni, reméled, hogy majd állhatatatosságoddal rágyőzöd, hogy nyissa már ki azt a fránya ajtót. Továbbra sincs semmi változás. Az ajtó ugyanúgy tornyosodik föléd, várod, hogy végre kinyithasd, de már mintha nem is, minek már. Ennyi harc és ennyi várakozás és ennyi tusa miért?
Elmennél...
Elmész?
duminică, 17 octombrie 2010
sunday afternoon
it was a nice weekend... kind of peacfull actually. And I kind of ... did nothing? I didn't had sunday school today, neither workshop with teenagers yesterday. I did visited the church community and we watched Evan Almighty and had a nice talk afterwards... I slept over there, with my room-mate. No difference at all :) But it was nice... To share her happiness, and have a nice good-night prayer toghether. I gave thanks to God for her, and her happiness right now, I hope it lasts finally :) And I also gave thanks for my own Happiness. And asked for it to last, and let me be his happiness.
it is strange though... I have nothing to do on some of my weekends... She says perhaps now is the time to be alone and rest... I feel like I should find a place to go and give my love to. I was thinking of an orphanage... Perhabs they are the ones with most need of love. Don't know, we'll see...
This funny feeling of peace and inner order is so strange. Maybe it should have been known to me already... But it is new. Maybe I am just now starting to live actually?
it is strange though... I have nothing to do on some of my weekends... She says perhaps now is the time to be alone and rest... I feel like I should find a place to go and give my love to. I was thinking of an orphanage... Perhabs they are the ones with most need of love. Don't know, we'll see...
This funny feeling of peace and inner order is so strange. Maybe it should have been known to me already... But it is new. Maybe I am just now starting to live actually?
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