this Christmas

is different for both of us. Every year before we used to take time on ourselves, get together, and be in the same city at least for the holidays. Now we are on two different continents, and none of us is actually 'home'. We used to meet, and be like the best two of 'Friends', and hug longely, speek freely about all of our lifes, as if we could relive all those once more, just through looking each other in the eyes, holding hands and making words. You used to talk, and I used to listen, and then I talked and you listened. And then I'll get all depressed and nostalgic, whilst you were always so happy with your present (present) life. And even though I thought to be happier than you were, or at least more fullfilled, you would end up conforting me always. I used to meet memories again, and tend to go back 3, 4, 5 years, forget about everything and do stupid things, then come to you to talk about them. You would always be there, even though you would have allready told that that's not the thing that would make me happy. And we would meet our friends and just all of us would pretend to be fullfilled together. I am absolutely conviced that it was just the two of us who was actually happy. Happy to be together.
But this year I took off and did not come back. Not even for the holidays. And you, as well chose to follow your way, which lead you to the man you love.
This Christmas is all about loneliness for me, but the hardest of all is not being able to see you.
So here I am, as in every year taking care of my present lists, making sure that I prepare for everyone I love something as good as I can, and concentrating all my energy on this one last week, as I ever did, always with this double feeling of happiness, as I spend my last time before Christmas with my friends, then again feeling as well the happiness of booking a ticket, packing, taking off and go home. This year is just the first one.
Then again, I am home. And you are home as well. I am taking the step I needed to take, out of the vicious circle of how my life would be and you took a step closer on following your heart. So, this Christmas is about celebrating. And about the birth. I really feel the implication of birth this year. It smells other than I supposed it would. Birth does not smell like cinnamon. But it does bring a new human into life.
So, I celebrate birth this year for Christmas. On as many levels as I can. And I celebrate that I was right on thinking that there is no Christmas without you, because there is indeed no Christmas without you! But who said you are not here with me? And I not there with you? I am always. You can never loose the people you love. I was there on your happiest and saddest moments. I was there as you got engaged, and I was there as you were left (on one level) alone. I'll be there at your wedding, and at the birth of all your children. You are here with me as I'm just dreaming of an engagement ring, as you were there in each and every one of my dreams and break downs. And I'm sure as hell you'll be there at my engagement, and my wedding, and the birth of all my children. I just realized we will be always there. Until one of us would bury the other one.

far, far

Far, far there was this little girl…

Yeah, well, I guess it depends on what we call „far”. Everything is far away from everything, or again everything is close to everything else, is just a matter of point of view. Lucky us, that there is Somebody who was always close to everyone of us. And this will not chance, no matter the country, neither how we feel. Whatever, the fact is, that I’ve set on to this way. I’ve said my goodbyes, my ’God bless you’-s, my ’I love you’-s; everybody got theirr hugs and kisses. Well, not quite everybody… there were some whom I didn’t hugged and kissed goodbye, as I left. I shed due tears, the heart broke in its due time and place at some last sights. Bus engine was turned on, the driver made sure it’s ok to leave, and we left. I watched some last time the streets I was used to, and then I waved goodbye to Brasov, and waved goodbye to Budapest.

…she was praying for something to happen to her…

I’ll quote better: „The first book I wrote, finished with there was no answer. Now I know, Lord, why didn't you respond. You are the answer. Before your face any questions fade. What other response would be appropriate? All other words are only one against the other, set in a mere battlefield. For a long time I hated you, for a long time were afraid of You. Perhaps know-„ (C. S. Lewis – Till we have faces translation by me).
I was looking for Him. But I didn’t allow myself to find the answer. I’ve already been anxious and happy as well. But I haven’t been yet His. Till He found my trust. He achieved that in the most beautiful way He could, and with the most loveable man He could. But then He took him away, and with him, most likely everything. And He called me. I realized I needed to stand in front of Him by myself, I need to hear His voice by myself and I need to fight Him by myself. Just like Jacob did once upon a time.

…everyday she writes words and more words just to speak out the thoughts that keep floating inside
…and she’s drawn when the dreams come cuz’ they take her, cover her, they are all over…
…the reality looks far now, but don’t go….

I could tell a story about how it’s like to be alone, yet I cannot. I don’t think there are words expressing how I really feel. It was not the road, it mostly the arrival, which made me realize what loneliness is about. Arrival:
-to foreign, unknown place
-in a room, which is not Juli-like, where there isn’t a pillow which is good for something, it was so big, that it could as well been a bed, and if you sleep on it, you will remember it all day long afterwards, for you neck, and back hurts
-you should start to decorate, but everything you have makes you remember another room, not one from Brasov, but one from Budapest. Only that here ’colourfull’ is not as colourfull as there, and ’cheerfull’ is not as cheerfull as there was.
-you would rather sleep, but you then would have nightmares, and they seem very real and very scary, and when you wake up, you are even more scared about not knowing which country are you in. And who could you call at 3.30 am to ask: where am I?
-and I don!t have a phone. And even worse, if I would have, I wouldn’t have who to call.

There is something good among all this, though: I am finally able to cry.

…how can you stay outside? There’s a beautiful mess inside.

And I set up. To get even smarter int he worlds one of the most elit universities, according to my teachers. Another two countries far, according to my family. To a good place, where I will spend awesome time, where I will have lots of fun, where I will feel myself in my environment, because I’ll have opportunity to learn another language, where I will smile a lot, where I will meet my true love (yeah, right, I hope I’ll be wiser than that), where I could travel a lot, so that would also make me happy, according to my friends. Then again, according to those who are jelous (I know there is nobody :) ) they think I’m illegaly lucky. As a matter of fact, I do feel illegally lucky. I live in a city that if got a chance to visit it once, you feel like this is how it would be like in the fairytales. I can see a real castle from my window. If I step out from my house, I cross Heidelbergs most beautiful bridge and I find myself in the most lovely old town you can imagine. If I decidet o take it on the other side of the house, I find myself in another dreamplace. Garden on a hill, trees, lake, birds, I even saw a squarel today in the morning. This is really a place like in fairytales, I should feel like a princess.
Though, the place I set up to is inside. I knew that ont hat very day on the bench in front of the students home, I remembered it a few times this summer, but when I read this just a few km-s away from Heidelberg, I was sure: "I saw clearly, why don't the gods they speak to us openly, and why do not accept our answer. As long as the innermost, deep lurking in the word derives not from us, why would they listen to a lot of tosh, what we think is true? How can we even want to meet face to face, how could we provoke even a single punch, but till we have faces? "(also C. S Lewis, also translation by Julie)

…far, far there was this little girl, she was praying for something good to happen to her. From time to time there were colours and shapes, dazelng her eyes, tickeling her hands, they invent her a new world, with oil skies and aquarel rivers, but don’t you run away already, please don’t go…

if God creates flowers, we should at least sometimes take a chance to pray so we should not remain seeds.

And once again:

… how can you stay outside? There’s a beautiful mess inside? Take a deep breath and dive, there’s a beautiful mess, beautiful mess inside!...

Far, far, there’s this little girl, she was praying for something big to happen to her. Every night she hears beautiful strange music, it’s everywhere, there’s no place to hide. And if it fades, she begs oh, Lord, don’t take it from me, don’t take it, yourselves

… I guess I have to give it birth…

I had a strange dream one of the nights here: I was back again in my mothers womb.

i guess i'll have to give it birth
to give it birth
i guess, i guess, i guess i have to give it birth
i guess i have to, have to give it birth
there's a beautiful mess inside and it's everywhere

so shake it yourself now deep inside
deeper than you ever dared
deeper than you ever dared
there's a beautiful mess inside
beautiful mess inside

IF

if I was over you, I wouldn't be up at 2.17 am writing this,
I wouldn't be crying while doing that,
I wouldn't be asking myself why did I let you in my life, in the first place?
I wouldn't try to find each and every possible "what if..." scenario
I wouldn't remember your name by every piece of falling leaf, dammit!
and I would definitely not stay here and write nice words, while having not nice words to say to you!
I would grab my phone and call you, in the middle of the night, yes and say not nice things to you! About you! About the way I feel about you! About the way I feel about the way you feel about me and about the way I feel about the way you feel about me and still doing the things you do and acting the way you act and just... Yes, but if I could do that it would probably mean I'm over you. But I'm not, just yet.
But IF I was, I would!

travel thrgough...

despre toate sentimentele, durerile, trairile, bataile de inima si zambetele fortate imi doresc sa nu mai scriu, nici sa vorbesc.

...imi doresc sa pot plange despre ele.

frica

something I can't get rid of. Nu ma lasa sa am o clipa de fericire. Ma tine legata. Nu ma lasa sa iubesc, de fapt nu ma lasa sa ma las iubita. Sunt catuse de care nu pot dormi bine si daca ma trezesc imi doresc sa nu ma fi trezit deloc azi.
Da, frica nu m-a lasat sa iubesc ani la rand; frica de a fi odata cu adevarat iubita. Dar de data asta sunt gata sa incetinesc pasii cu care alerg departe de iubire, sa ma opresc din alergat, sa ma intorc si sa incep sa privesc Frica in ochi. Sa-mi spuna ce are cu mine, de ce ma terorizeaza. Si ii voi zice sa faca bine si sa ma lase in pace. Vreau sa iubesc. Stiu sa iubesc.
De data asta nu va trimfa!
Amin

o zi ca oricare alta...

m-am trezit... *greu ca intotdeauna
azi era ziua care incepe cu o slujba de dimineata *in sfarsit
am facut un dus + tot ritualul de dimineata *pe fuga ca intotdeauna
ma imbracam, tocmai legam o funda bluzei mele cand privind in oglinda am recunoscut. M-am recunoscut. Cumva purtam aceeasi bluza si aceiasi pantaloni ca exact acum exact in aceea zi cand ma pregateam sa incep ziua cu o slujba.
MI-am adus aminte... Atunci ma simteam vinovata ca merg sa cant la o slujba un pic mahmura. Parea mahmureala... Cum nu cunosteam starea, banuiam ca era de la acele cateva beri din seara dinainte. Nu stiam ca mahmureala se manifesta si la nivelul burtii, si doare in halul asta, chiar nici nu ma doare capul, doar burta...ciudat. Ma rog, nu stiu, trebuia sa avem tot felul de experiente in viata.
Imi aduc aminte exact ce trebuia sa cant atunci la slujba. Ce frumos a fost!
da, imi aduc aminte ca nu prea am fost in stare sa ma dezbrac singura de hainele alea
peste cateva zile stateam culcata pe un pat de spital asteptand o operatie despre care nu stiam ca va insemna in viata mea, si infruntam (nu singura) tot de ce imi era mai frica. Stiam ca poate nu voi putea fi femeie in sensul adevarat al cuvantului. Stiam ca poate raman cu un gol imens in suflet si in trup si stiam despre mine ca nu voi putea cauta niciodata un barbat stiind ca eu nu pot fi femeie deplina.
Da, ma priveam in oglinda. Sunt frumoasa. Si sanatoasa. Imi stau bine hainele astea. Ca un zambet de la Dumnezeu a venit aceeasi melodie pe care am cantat-o acum un an la slujba :)
Mai traiesc. Si in curand ma voi intalni ca barbatul de care ma indragostesc pe zi ce trece tot mai mult.
Exista vieti care sunt presus de multumiri.
Cum ar fi a mea...

feelings all in a bottle

incerc sa raman.
adica doar sa raman unde sunt, cum sunt, fara sa joc impotriva mea, fara sa incerc sa cred ca pot intelege, fara sa incerc sa gasesc semnificatii...fara sa incerc sa intru in capul lui :)
calm. o chestie nu prea practicata de mine... ar trebui sa invat
ma simt ciudat.
ma simt trista.
ma simt indagostita...cred.
de asta ma simt ciudat si trista.
n-ar trebui... stiu. but it's just the way I'm made :)
"And I am a weapon of massive consumption
And its not my fault it’s how I’m programmed to function
I’ll look at the sun and I’ll look in the mirror
I’m on the right track yeah we're on to a winner

I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear?
‘Cause I’m being taken over by the fear"

...love me please!

cateodata obosita...

de atat umblat, cautat, visat, incercat, iubit...ba nu, de asta ultima nu.si totusi restu e un pic prea mult deja...

but...
it's a sin to be tired :)

I >heart< fridays

quiet mornings when I can still wake up early but do nothing
drink my coffee with milk and vanilla while cheking my mail
listening to Diana Krall and thinking about last night. and today. and the things I'll do and those I wont :D
looking out through the window and remembering the love of God
and just this. nothing else.
do we need more?

Karpacz, a világ egyik áldott része

- csak most az egyszer magyarul -
áldott, mert annak éltem meg nagyon. De az az igazság, hogy Isten áldó keze valahogy hihetetlen módon elér a Sionról mindenhova :) Hát, ha a Hermon harmatja is csillog Ninivéig, akkor miért ne? Szóval kicsit rám mosolygott az Isten és véletlenül pont dél-sziláziában voltam akkor.
még mindig nem tudom megfogalmazni miért szeretek ennyire utazni, de amint ott vagy, az uton, tankolás közben, kicsatolás, visszacsatolás, városok, autópálya, fák és épületek minnek el melletted és lehet, szabad hallgatni, csak gondolkodni, nem beszélni. Semmit sem beszélni... És nem, nem csak ezért szeretek utazni. de hogy miért pontosan az még az 'arrematos' -> kimondhatatlan kategória, és ha elég igazi, akkor az is marad.
Nem is tudtam, hogy németül is tudok beszélni, ez is kiderült a végére. És tudom, hogy kell mondani azt, hogy 'szeretlek' lengyelül. De ez is tabu szó. Már csak azért is, mert ha tudnám, mit jelent, akkor mondhatnám igazán, így nem sokat jelent. Sőt veszít a jelentéséből. Azt hiszem a szavak kisebbednek (létezik ilyen szó?), ha kimondjuk őket. De nem bírnánk túlélni nélkülük. Vagy egy szó csak akkor nem ront, ha jónak, jókor, jó módon mondják? Akkor én ezt még nem értem ezzel a kecses szóval kapcsolatosan, amit már 12 élő nyelven tudok? ez már nem cuki, ez ciki :D
A legjobb dolgot tanultam meg ezen a hétvégén: le szabad, sőt le kell esni. Síelés ezért egy remek sport. Ha az ember bizonytalan vagy elveszítette az egyensúlyát, vagy már nem bírja irányítani magát, vagy egyszerűen fáradt, akkor leeshet. Hát ez evangélium!!! Csak tudni kell, hogy mindig oldalra kell dőlni, és úgy nem is fáj. Kicsit nehéz újra lábra állni, de nem lehetetlen, és olyan jó érzés ott lenn lenni. Szabad. De persze azt is tudni kell, hogy viszont amikor nagyon nagyon élvezed a sebesen bevett kanyarokat, akkor nem érdemes félni, mert az meginogtat és akkor már megint le kell esni. Lényeg csak annyi, hogy az ember bármikor leeshet, ha akar, de nem szükségszerűen :)
Hát nem ugyanaz a lüktetése a fő dolgoknak? Mintha két embernek együtt dobogna a szíve. A lengyel Istentiszteleten együtt mondtuk az Apostoli Hitvallást. Mi magyarul. Az 'ámen' egyszerre volt. A záró imán több ország emberkéi mondtuk egyszerre a Miatyánkot. Volt benne lengyel, német, magyar. Én románul mondtam most az egyszer. Jó volt.
Soha nem volt ilyen kevés lelkiismeret furdalásom ilyen sok kaja miatt :)
Igen, a többi része ismét arrematos... kegyelem kell hozzá, hogy az ember átélje és kegyelem, hogy továbbadja :) de nem biztos, hogy szavakban kell.
áldás!

memoirs of my travel...

J’ecoute de musique francaise en voyant de Brasov a Budapest. J’en l’aime.
Another three days have passed, and another tousands of thoghts have crossed my mind. I just feel gratefull to have this time for myself, to recolect and put the things to their places. On this voyage of my life I always find myself int he lifes and feelings of others. And that’s the best part of it.
12 hours – enough time for lots of things. To listen and to try to respond, or just to listen , and just pray inside, God, how many sad people on this earth! I wish I could do something!
We arrived, three pairs of crying eyes and huging arms are waiting for me. Lots of smiles, fatigue and some kind of bulversed state of mind… I’m home. I enter the house, I take a look of every room and then I stop at my room. It is just beautiful. My bed, my books, my decoration are all just the way I left them a few months ago. I’m really home.
I love my best friend! She’s the most beautiful gift of God! And not just for me, for him too. It was a piece of heaven that coffee break with you, the cigars we smoke together and the shared pizza. Your friendship means the world for me. Multumesc ca existi, draga mea! Abia astept data viitoare. love.
Norah Jones, driving back home, words and more words, just to split out the thought that keep floating inside. Prayers, I know He will listen to. Oui, je suis si heureuse alors pourqoui le nuit je pleure… I wish I could mention the person I was thinking about mostly. But somehow it’s hard to speak about him, even in front of God.
and the music keeps playing:
„Tu est le jamais de mon toujuours, tu est mon amour, tu est mon amour … :)"

spovedanie

forgive me Father, for I have sinned...
am inchis ochii, am adormit, am inceput sa ignor, am uitat.
nu am vorbit despre PACAT, nici despre Iisus.
am uitat esentialul. omul e pacatos din fire, si doar Iisus il poate scoate din starea asta. Am uitat sa zic asta. Am uitat esentialul.
am adormit, si nu m-am mai putut trezi. Am visat frumoase si urate, dar am uitat de realitate. Doar ca in somn nu exista RELATIE. Nu exista iubire. Pentru ca iubirea e relatie. Am uitat de relatia mea cu Dumnezeu. Am uitat ca ma iubeste. Am uitat sa-L iubesc.
am inceput sa cred in cosmar. Am crezut ca este realitate. Si nu am mai facut diferenta intre cosmarul Subconstientului si lumina Soarelui. Nu mi-am mai dat seama cand e zi si cand e noapte, si mai ales care e diferenta. Incetul cu incetul razele soarelui au inceput sa ma urmareasca cu cutite in cosmar. Acum mi-e frica sa deschid ochii. Ce se intampla daca razele chiar sunt cutite? Am uitat sa fac diferenta intre frica de cutit si dorul de soare, si am inceput sa-mi acopar ochii de soare, apoi sa port voal, apoi fular, apoi sapca si geaca si cizme si manusi in miez de vara. Oare ce se intampla daca imi dau jos toate astea? Va incepe cumva Soarele sa arunce cu cutite in mine? Oare de astea exista razele?
Am uitat sa fac diferenta, am uitat sa tin legatura.
Fear can stop you loving, love can stop your fears...
Imi pare rau ca am presupus un lucru atat de rau despre Raza, si am ales singura sa mor de frig. Dar nu mai vreau frig, vreau cald, vreau sa ma scald iar in razele Iubirii Tale. As vrea sa ma dezbrac, sa fiu cu totul goala in fata Ta, fara sa-mi fie frica sau rusine. Incerc incetul cu incetul sa imi dau jos hainele. Vezi asta? Privesti asta cu drag? Ma ajuti? Vrei te rog, sa ma primesti iar in caldura razelor Tale?
multumesc
slava Tie Doamne!
Amin

mirror

I see a girl - half women already -
there is dark surround her, but still a thin ray of light illuminates her face and body.
she has nothing on, but her long dark hair cover her perfectly - as if that is also meant to protect her.
she tells nothing, she shows no emotions, she looks intrested, still there are no feeling in her eyes.
she does have something, though. In her hand. An appointment book.
her entire being inspires trust and interest towards others, and looking after how to help, yet she looks pretty busy, and kind of inapproachable. Oh, and by the way, if you are a guy, forget it! you don't have a chance!
barricade. border. shield. crash barrier is everything in her life. Everything is there just to protect her. Of course she looks confident and smart besides that walls. And the best of all is that nobody else can see how really afraid is she inside. Now that's news.

She did not know the baby was her own. That baby should really grow up in her arms, with her eyes looking after him. She is holding him in her hands and she know, she just knows he must be her son, but will she have the power to take responsability for him?
will she have the courage to let down the appointment book? Will she risk being hurt just to feel again?
that baby is my baby.
I just don't know what to do with it...

life

"...it takes some fear before I trust, and it takes some tears to make it rust and it takes the dust to have it polished..."

life really does go full circle
you decide to draw a circle and then as soon as the pen reaches the paper and starts to leave the blue line which goes on and on, you just realize that it's not just one circle, it seems more like several circles all in one bigger circle.

like a labirint which starts on one point in the center and finishes in the eternity somewhere.

like a vicious circle. You keep drawing again and again the same circle, and you just see the same things over and over again. Every point has the so well known consequence. Every situation is so familiar, and then you just wonder, how could you do the same mistake again, over and over.

but then something happens... the circle still makes it's way into eternity, and you still see the same things, but they are just a bit different then the things a bit before.
the circles go round and round, but they grow into being life.

life is a vicious circle, but you just keep learning from it...again and again

have a nice day :)